A Walk in the Woods

Today I walked in the woods here in upstate NY, where I enjoyed the crunch of leaves under my feet, the crisp autumn air and the colorful foliage. As I walked, I found myself ruminating about the senseless estrangement from my son and grandkids. This month, three of my grandchildren have birthdays. I always send cards and gifts. From time to time, I communicate with the grandchildren via emails, texts or letters, but I’m still not allowed to see them.

As I walked with the leaves falling around me, my thoughts alternated between appreciation for the beauty of the day and my deep sadness over the situation.. I became cognizant of how much my feelings of grief, sadness, depression and obsessive thinking about all of this have been driving me and ruining my life for so long now.

I’m sick of missing them. I’m sick of feeling sad and depressed. I’m sick of dreading holidays. I’m sick of feeling like a victim. I’m sick of letting their decision to banish me ruin my life!

Everyday I work on healing. I am doing everything humanly possible to heal and, although I’m tired of working so hard, I know that I must continue working on transformation and recovery if I want any happiness and peace.

So, as this glorious fall afternoon fades, I remind myself that, in the words of Homer, man is but ‘a generation of leaves.’ Life is fleeting and ephemeral. If I don’t choose to be happy now, then when?