Endings and New Beginnings

Endings and New Beginnings

Last night, sitting on my deck, I watched the evening settle in over wildflowers, trees, and rooftops. As the sky darkened and shadows lengthened, fireflies began to twinkle. Day was done.

Everything ends, we know this. The relationship with my daughter-in-law ended. The easy, loving relationship I once had with my son ended. Physical contact and early bonding with my grandchildren ended. The place I once held in my family has been eradicated.

However, there have been many new beginnings. I now have a deeper reverence for life. I have a closer relationship with my soul and an abiding belief in the power of love.

I am living a very different life than I ever imagined I would live. I am changed. I didn’t think I could go on after so much tragedy and turmoil, but I have. Painful endings have engendered new insights and beginnings. Even though it seems that I often take two steps forward and one step back, and depression stalks me like a hungry wolf, I am emerging from the tunnel of my soul’s darkest night.

I believe that it’s okay to be unhappy at times. Our society is hell-bent on happiness, but it’s an insane preoccupation and an impossible goal. I have developed a broader perspective, one that allows for darkness and light. I sometimes laugh and cry at the same time. I have become more serious, more thoughtful, yet simpler and more illumined. I have become more, I have become less. I am wise, I am innocent. I’m deeply sad and utterly joyful.

I believe that in all of our lives, there is a law of compensation at work. When we lose, we will find, but we may find something quite different, maybe better, than what we lost. I found myself barreling down a strange, perilous road with no map, lost and alone. But, I held on for dear life and to my surprise, the road led me to a beautiful, nourishing wellspring of new beginnings.

Life is a tangle of paradoxes. A thrilling mystery. I may not have what I want – but I accept, with gratitude, what I have been given.