Endings and New Beginnings

Endings and New Beginnings

Last night, sitting on my deck, I watched the evening settle in over wildflowers, trees, and rooftops. As the sky darkened and shadows lengthened, fireflies began to twinkle. Day was done.

Everything ends, we know this. The relationship with my daughter-in-law ended. The easy, loving relationship I once had with my son ended. Physical contact and early bonding with my grandchildren ended. The place I once held in my family has been eradicated.

However, there have been many new beginnings. I now have a deeper reverence for life. I have a closer relationship with my soul and an abiding belief in the power of love.

I am living a very different life than I ever imagined I would live. I am changed. I didn’t think I could go on after so much tragedy and turmoil, but I have. Painful endings have engendered new insights and beginnings. Even though it seems that I often take two steps forward and one step back, and depression stalks me like a hungry wolf, I am emerging from the tunnel of my soul’s darkest night.

I believe that it’s okay to be unhappy at times. Our society is hell-bent on happiness, but it’s an insane preoccupation and an impossible goal. I have developed a broader perspective, one that allows for darkness and light. I sometimes laugh and cry at the same time. I have become more serious, more thoughtful, yet simpler and more illumined. I have become more, I have become less. I am wise, I am innocent. I’m deeply sad and utterly joyful.

I believe that in all of our lives, there is a law of compensation at work. When we lose, we will find, but we may find something quite different, maybe better, than what we lost. I found myself barreling down a strange, perilous road with no map, lost and alone. But, I held on for dear life and to my surprise, the road led me to a beautiful, nourishing wellspring of new beginnings.

Life is a tangle of paradoxes. A thrilling mystery. I may not have what I want – but I accept, with gratitude, what I have been given.

7 thoughts on “Endings and New Beginnings”

  • Hi Lora,
    Thanks so much for your comments and for sharing your thoughts. You write with heartfelt clarity about your estrangement and I’m glad that you’ve made such great strides in taking your life back. I’m also glad you have other children and that you have a deep faith. It’s true: “This too shall pass” so why not make the most of each day at this point. Thank you again for writing and many blessings to you.

  • I would be remiss if I did not mention that without my faith and the ever present love and guidance from my heavenly Father, I could not endure this situation. He gives me strength when I have none, peace in the chaos, comfort in despair and hope when I feel hopeless. He IS my joy.

  • You, so eloquently describe exactly what I feel and go thru. My relationship with my daughter ended and I have been denied contact with my 5 year old (almost) 6 year old grandson. This has been a year of painful firsts without him in my life; his 5th birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, 4th of July and all the the days between. I’ve ached to hold his little hands, kiss his sweet cheeks, hear his joyful laughter, watch him while he sleeps. When this nightmare began I was devasted to the point of contemplating ending my life because the pain was unyielding. But, like you, I have given myself permission to have joy again. And, like you, I have grown and overcome obstacles I never dreamt I would have to.
    Thank you for this blogl until I read your story I had no idea this grandparent estrangement was a thing 🙁
    I don’t know how this will end or if anything will change – I can’t get these precious days, weeks, months back but I can continue to grow and learn and make MY life the best it can be. I started painting (never painted before in my 57 years), I spend time with close friends, I am close with my other grown children, I walk around the lake regularly and I stay busy with work. The pain is still there and I have my “fall apart” moments but they no longer are debilitating – I don’t crawl into bed in despair. That’s one thing I don’t allow myself to do anymore.
    Please keep writing – I look forward to each month 🙂
    Lora (the one who got “This too shall pass” tattooed on the inside of her forearm 🙂

  • Well written. Praise God for newness and new life and new directions and new days and the ability to seek, find appreciate the new at the same time we grieve the way it was !

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *