Talking Out Loud

Talking Out Loud

This first morning of spring, as I walked along a mountain trail, admiring the black-eyed-susans flowering prolifically down the hills, I began to talk out loud. Luckily, there was no one else about, so I felt free to speak as loudly as I wanted. It went something like this:

I am so disappointed. I can’t get through to my son, no matter what I do. He just won’t change his stance and he has chosen to push me away.

God – if there is a God, an Intelligence, a Positive Energy Being – if you can hear me, please help my son. I’ve been praying for healing – for myself, for him and for our relationship. Wouldn’t that be the best for him, for all of us? Have all my prayers just turned into cosmic dust?

I can’t make sense of any of this. How did a sweet, kind boy turn into a such a volatile, angry man? What happened?

I don’t want to carry this around anymore. I’m ‘sick and tired of being sick and tired.’

I am turning my son over to you. Please receive him. Help him. Show him a better way, a higher road and give him strong legs to travel it. Point him to a map and lead him to a more enlightened way of living, of thinking and behaving. Whisper in his ear and remind him about kindness.

I release him to you. Fold him into your arms, love him and keep him safe, because I can no longer bear the weight of missing the son I once knew.”

Maybe the sky and the black-eyed-susans were my only witnesses this morning, but I sent my prayer on swift wings and the pain in my heart has abated.

4 thoughts on “Talking Out Loud”

  • Hello, Barbara,
    Thanks for writing and for sharing your thoughts. I get it and I agree with what you’ve expressed here. I’m glad you have another son and family who are loving. I hope the situation with your alienated son improves, but in the meantime, you’re smart to focus on the part of your family that treats you with respect and love.

  • I too have left my son to God. I no longer can deal with “this”. I pray for his children. They truly deserve better. What will all of this hatred do to them as they grow? Maybe they will be stonger for it. Maybe they will not care about others and not have these kinds of hurts in their hearts.

    7 years is long enough. If they have not changed by now, it is doubtful that they ever will. And to be honest, if they were to come to me today and say, hey, let’s get along, I am not sure that I would ever feel comfortable with them. There could never be any trust, or relaxing around them. I truly cannot imagine walking on eggshells for the rest of my life. Can I watch every word that I speak; or should I? Can I make my face completely lifeless for the rest of my life; or should I? Could I never again ask for a hug? Could I never say, oh, that child does that just like you? Too many rules, that change on a whim, without warning and then require their form of punishment.

    I have another son and his family and they show us love and respect. It is important to accept that love and respect and nurture it than to allow myself to be beaten down at every minute of every day.

  • Nancy, May you be blessed & comforted & may Yahweh send into your life others to give your love out to while you hope & wait for your beloved son to remember who you are to each other. My heart goes out to you, I have a daughter estranged & contemptuous. I hope you find beauty, purpose and value every day.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *