Falling Down

Falling Down

Do you ever have days when it seems like every step you take forward is followed by two or more steps backward?

After doing my best to keep moving forward with enthusiasm, a sense of purpose and loving kindness for myself and others, I am faced with a new challenge. I  recently got knocked down (accidentally)  onto a concrete floor, which resulted in a fracture in my back. The doctor said, based on the MRI, that I need six to eight weeks recovery and rest.

At first, I was just dealing with shock and pain. Now, a week later, the pain is still problematic, but not as difficult as depression and a feeling of isolation.

This morning, after a night of tossing and turning, my thoughts were dreary and negative. Then, I reminded myself that I was in control and could pick and choose which thoughts I was going to energize. I immediately felt lighter.

I decided that I would take this day in small segments. As I drank my coffee, I enjoyed the sight of the marine layer hovering over the Pacific in the distance.  I sat in the warmth of the sun for a few minutes, closing my eyes, telling myself that I was going to be alright. I was gentle and patient with myself throughout the day and remembered that I am more than this injury, these circumstances and my racing thoughts.

I am determined to make good use of this time of recovery. As my body heals,  I will continue to restore my mind, heart and spirit. I have fallen down, but I will get back up again. I will give myself the gift of allowing this setback to just be what it is, without torturing myself by wishing I could go about my normal daily activities. I will practice the peace that comes with fully accepting reality – the fact that I’m injured and need to rest and take care of myself.

As the days fly by and I edge toward my 70th birthday, I feel the need to quiet my mind. I don’t want to look back into the past because it is a Pandora’s box of sorrows. I have thrown out or given all memorabilia away. I don’t want to look at old pictures because I feel sad and empty when I do. And I don’t want to think too much about the future because it just makes me crazy. I prefer to be mindful of the present moment, because it is the only place where I can find any true comfort.

So, now, as I watch the sun setting , I take a moment to acknowledge the presence of my son and grandchildren who live in the corners of my consciousness, and I say hello, yes I know you’re there and I love you. I send you my love and may you be safe, healthy and happy all of your days.

I sit quietly for a moment. It’s growing dark. My husband walks in the door with take-out for dinner. I’m grateful.