I’ve always liked having time for myself, to do what I want and just enjoy my own company. During those times, I often feel a creative urge to write, to compose or just listen to music and daydream. It’s true that being alone is where magic happens.

Having said that, I have been more alone in the last few years than ever before – a bit too alone. So many heartaches have hindered my capacity and desire to socialize. I used to think that when I was older, life would become more gentle; that because of the attainment of hard won wisdom, I’d be a loving, grounded and enlightened elder. I never imagined that I would experience so much pain and loneliness in these latter years and that I would find myself flailing and experiencing a bottomless sorrow.

There are days I simply cannot summon up the optimism and hope I’ve spent years cultivating. I’ve been diligent in my practice: I am aware of my thoughts and work on improving my state of mind. I work at forgiveness, compassion, optimism and finding purpose. Then, one day, unexpectedly, I experience a lack of energy and a recurrent, pervasive sadness. What happened to all the work I did to manage this kind of melancholy and despair?

I am finding that after so many years of juggling my emotions and working at mindfulness and positive thinking, I’m rather weary. Any stress I experience seems to affect me to the point of extreme anxiety and a bone heavy exhaustion.

The thing is, after so many years of living in exile from my son and my grandchildren, I continue to mourn. It’s a bereavement for the living that never ends. There is no closure, no comfort in grieving the loss of those I love but who don’t seem to love me. Yet, still I grieve.

I have learned precious lessons. I’ve learned to let go, to forgive, to detach, to go on with my life. But, if I’m honest, I am war-torn. I have been at war with myself for so long that I wonder if I will ever find real peace. The past haunts me, the future unnerves me and the present is, at least at this moment, difficult.

Tonight, as I write this, I can find no ease, no consolation. But, like everything, this will pass. I will get a good night’s sleep perhaps, or laugh out loud, or take a walk on the beach.

And I will begin again.

2 thoughts on “Alone”

  • This rendition is identical to my feelings & experience of this god-awful situation in my life as well for over 3 years now. Thank you for putting down so clearly exactly what I think, feel & experience. Yes, it does help having a weekly therapy appointment, and I STILL live the rest of the hours of my life deeply troubled & incredibly sad because of my grandkids. Woe to my daughter when they are grown; & they can seek me out directly. My daughter has burned her bridges to me permanently; I am done. So much & so little to say. It’s pitiful and very sad. BUT I AM DETERMINED to enjoy my life to the best of my ability & cherish the gift of life I have been given. I MUST use it for something good & purposeful despite this tremendous loss of all of my dreams. I WILL survive & thrive again in a way I don’t know yet. Blessing to everyone out there. May we all find some joy in our lives & somewhere to give our love. Thank you.

    • Thank-you for your valuable insights and for sharing your perspective and feelings. I can relate and I honor your resolve to live a full and happy life!
      Blessings to you and I wish you much joy and love.

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