Can’t Sleep

Can’t Sleep

I’m in the process of moving from the west coast to the east coast. I must say, moving is not for the faint-hearted. I have been experiencing panic attacks, worry, fear, and debilitating fatigue. I’m getting too old for this!

I woke up this morning and started crying. I felt so alone and scared about the future. I’ve heard it said that we are never given more than we can bear, but this morning, I wondered how much more heartache and pain I can carry in this one small body.

At the root of all this pain is the loss of a relationship with my son and grandchildren. Just when I think I’m coping, getting stronger, experiencing flickers of joy, I get strong-armed by a sudden memory, or some challenge in my day-to-day life. Even being cut off on the freeway can trigger too intense of a reaction, like extreme impatience and anger. Clearly, I’m not yet healed. Clearly, I’m not yet stable. And I wonder if I will  ever be happy again with the specter of the lost relationship with my son always clawing at my constricted heart.

If you’ve read my blog over the years, you know that I always look for silver linings, lessons, insights, hope. I’ve been having a tough time with this lately, but I know that thoughts create reality and it’s a slippery slope I’m on at the moment. It’s so darned easy to lose footing when in the throes of the pain of alienation and estrangement. But, it’s imperative to apply sturdy tread to stop the fall before tumbling into the pit of hell of negative thought habits.

I’ve been in a hell of my own creation lately. True, I have lots of challenges and heartaches to contend with. True, I have major PTSD for several reasons. True, I have lost my family. But, life is life. It keeps moving us forward, so indulging in regrets from the past or fears of the future does absolutely no good. Not one whit. 

Yes, I’ve been in hell. By choice. The key word here is choice. I have chosen to be in this crazy mind-place, losing sleep because of the useless, worrying chatter of my stressed-out brain. Lately, when I close my eyes, my mind thinks it’s time to go into over-drive. And when  I do manage to finally fall asleep, I wake up a few hours later and it’s even worse, because my overworked brain is convinced that I’ll become a bag lady and live and die alone. Yeah, it’s that bad.

To survive and overcome this, I’ve started talking sense to myself. I reach out, from time to time, to people I trust with my heart, and they have often helped me reset my thinking. I’ve also started tapping (EFT – Emotional Freedom Technique), which seems to help. In addition, I do a series of deep breaths when I go to bed, and if I wake up in the middle of the night, I repeat them, while telling myself that I’m safe, protected, and that all is in Divine Order. 

I continue to work on faith and acceptance. If I slack off, I fall down, so it’s important to practice right thinking as a daily and ongoing discipline. I’m learning to meditate, keeping it simple by emptying my mind and just looking up at the trees and sky. I’m watching my thoughts and taking any negative ones captive, replacing them with turnaround thoughts. I’m monitoring my beliefs – beliefs I learned as a child, which I now realize are mostly erroneous, to put it politely.

There’s work to be done, and it looks like I will always have to do it. That’s the bad news and the good news. I’m surprised that I am still in need of so much healing, but glad that there is a way through this, tools to help me, even if it is all tremendously challenging.

So, for now, deep breaths. Deeeep breaths.