Goodbye for Now

Goodbye for Now

I started writing this blog about eleven years ago, when I was in the throes of the early and devastating events which ultimately led to estrangement and alienation from my son and four grandchildren. This blog has been my friend, my refuge, my safe place where I have explored the many dynamics of estrangement.

Through my writings, I have endeavored to understand what happened to me, to share my thoughts and feelings and to search for ways to rise above the terrible abuse I received. I wrote a book about estrangement and alienation. I’ve communicated with other estranged parents from all over the world; I’ve been a guest writer and a willing ear to anyone who needed a safe place. I sincerely hope I have helped.

I took the high road for all these years. I never missed an opportunity to communicate with my four grandchildren even though, for the past 11 years, I’ve not been allowed to see them. I never wavered in my efforts to connect with them and to love them from afar.

But, at this time, after so very much effort, I find myself depleted and empty handed.

I am no longer willing to function as an outlier, navigating the vacuum of a one-sided relationship with my son and grandkids. I am worth more than this.

I now turn my attention to new beginnings. I focus on my life, my happiness, and health. I protect my heart and nourish my soul. To that end, I recently relocated to a lovely coastal town where I bought a sweet house on a lake. I ride my bike on a beautiful street shaded by a canopy of live oak trees. I’m making lots of new friends. I play piano for singers and ensembles. I walk along the seashore where I am filled with peace from the glorious music of waves. I find joy in the egrets that fly by and the blue herons that sun themselves on my seawall. 

I can breathe deeply for the first time in over a decade.

I’m slowly re-training my brain, creating new and stronger pathways that bring me peace and I’m losing the habit of old negative thought patterns. I’m practicing letting go of the past – past worries, anxieties and hurts. And I am practicing staying in the present.

It’s taken me a very long time to be able to see the truth, to accept it and to let go of my son and grandchildren. It’s taken me a very long time to begin to heal. I never dreamed this could ever happen between my son and me. I never dreamed that I would have to cut the cord for my own salvation. But I must do so, or I’ll never be free of the trauma and grief.

I’ve been through a war. I’m a veteran, with invisible bruises and scars. I have PTSD, sleepless nights and tear-stained pillows. But, I’m still here, I’m still alive and I choose to rise above the pain. I will never go back into the dark and shattering trenches.

I am home now. I’m in recovery, and probably will be for the rest of my life. I’m treating myself with loving kindness, patience and love. Never again will I betray myself by abdicating my goodness, my worth, or my heart to anyone who only wants to destroy me. 

It’s time to put my energy into healing. I no longer want to dissect, discuss, ruminate or try to figure out why I have been shaken from my family tree by my son and his wife. I want to spend what time I have left on this earth choosing to be happy, healthy and loving – to myself and to all those who choose to be in my life. I feel that would be time better spent.

So, I will say goodbye for now. I wish all who have read my blog over the years many, many blessings. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for honoring me with your time and attention and for sharing this journey with me.